I have fell victim to the silent killer of depression once again. I tell myself over and over again, you don't want to go down this road because you know where it ends up. That road usually dead ends into lonliness where I shut everyone out internally and ultimately become cold hearted. In years past my therapy has always been to stay busy to avoid thinking about your problems. I would surround myself with friends and their problems. Helping them solve their problems, forced me not to think of my own. They grow, mature and ultimately become better people while I still struggle internally with problems and insecurities that date back to my early teen years. Working overtime to achieve my goals was another form of therapy that I still use to this day!! Today's attack is different, unlike any other. I'm upset with myself for not dealing with all the problems face-to-face years ago. I'm sick and tired of slapping on band-aids over the gray areas in my life. I've tried to talk about my problems with people but no one seems to listen or understand. As soon as I say I'm depressed, people go off on their 10 minute monologue...What are you depressed about. You have what many only dream of!! You have more friends than you count, a degree, a great job, and a house!!! I always respond the same way, I am truely blessed and thankful for everything that I have. I have worked hard and made many sacrifices to get those things and continue to sacrifice to maintain them. There is more to life than tangible things. The intangible things in life is what I am struggling with.

I am twenty four years old, soon to be twenty five, and have yet to be in a successfull relationship that has lasted over three months. I have reached a point in my life where I am truely sick and tired of dating. I can no longer do the one night stands, chase after younger women, or even participate in extra-marrital affairs. Those things no longer satisfy me, and some of them I am truely ashamed for merely being apart of it. I long for successful relationship where I could potentially fall in love for the first time. I could actually see myself settling down and considering marriage and a family in my late twenties. I have tried to be proactive in my search for Mrs. Right but have been dissapointed with each and every attempt. It seems as if I have dealt with it all including:

1. The liars
2. The cheaters
3. The golddiggers
4. The clueless type
5. The low self-esteem type
6. The uneducated type
7. The goaless type
8. The derranged type
9. The stalker type
10. The bisexual type
11. The baby fava drama type
12. The married type
13. The divorced type
14. The divorced with children type
15. The you are the perfect man for me so I would love to be friends only

Out of the entire list number 15 bothers me the most. I have met and dated so many established women who have said the same exact thing to me. What sense does that make? If I am your perfect man, why not be with me? Their response is always the same, If the relationship ends then you could not be in my life. You are such a good person, I always would like to have you around. After hearing that again recently, I vowed to get out and meet more women. Upon trying I realized one sad true fact. My daily routine does not involve dealing with or seeing women of quality to date. I live in a predominately white community where people of my color my age are rare. I take the most indirect route to work to avoid traffic and people, so no women there. I work in an office full of men and only 5 women, of which 2 are of color and are over the age of 40. When running errands around town, I only encounter old jewish people. When I do go out to the club or happy hours, all I meet are married women. Where is my outlet?!?!

This blog is longer than expected and I haven't even scratched the surface, I will continue it another day.